Xkcd-quotes

Famous XKCD quotes

Various amusing and memorable quotes scooped from various #xkcd-* channels and some other places. See also...

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1. <Debaser> I do enjoy hardwood
2. <Ian> I JUST HAD THE BEST IDEA EVER
3. <freelancer> Katie had sex with a banana?
4. <ra> EVERYBODY SHUT UP SO I CAN GET SOME
5. * ra swallows
6. <ra> ugh, this was good, but now my mouth is burning >.<
   <Debaser> Oral sex and herpes is a bad combination
7. <Debaser> Here's hoping it's a bigun
8. <Ian> I'd forgotten the shitting grandma until you mentioned it.
9. <crnaofca> why are people not coming!
10. <Ian> I enjoy sucking on your nipples?
11. <Ian> I WANT THE HAIRY TEEN
12. <Debaser> I WANT BABIES
13. <Ian> For GLITTERSEX
14. <Ian> New thing on my to-do list: eat a girl out in shark week
15. <peanut> I'm having a hard time keeping my nuts straight
16. <freelancer> ...if I'm thinking about underage girls it'll be ones I actually know =P
17. <ra> ooh, I wants some too!
18. <ra> I don't even have a stick!
19. <freelancer> Lisimba: i am gapping!
20. <freelancer> hey i can jizz for katie too!
    <ra> says there that's all I have to do!
21. <LolCam> stiglet: umm.. MINES BIGGER
    <LolCam> And not nearly as tasty....
22. <Ian> LolCam: I will suck you so hard
23. <kremlin> I use them so rarely that I'm not sure where I put them
24. <DM> Yay, my throat doesn't hurt anymore! ^^
    <freelancer> DM: Ready for another go? ^^
25. <Ian> This is the best thing I've ever had in my mouth
26. <kremlin> AND It'S TWICE AS LONG AS A CIGARETTE
27. <Ian> Oh my god your vagina is now called Uruk-Hai
28. <noey> i was just like, neat! she pees!
29. <Ian> MAKE SURE TO MASTURBATE
    <Ian> Subtlety is my MIDDLE NAME!
30. <ra> I just exploded all over my entire family!
31. <cogit0> aaaand now we're back to the herpes
32. <whiskeyish> i have trouble remembering where to put what, and what gender things are.
33. <Oceloctopus> My friend just told me she mixed Mountain Dew Voltage, with Amp energy drink to create watts
34. <freelancer> I'll probably do it til it blows up in my face, then we'll see
35. http://www.xkcdb.com/?6869
36. <stiglet> I was talking about the corpses.
    <Jenzipan> They are cute. :D
37. <freelancer> Ian: ...I am totally coming =P
38. <freelancer> Oh hey I'm in Katie ^^
39. <ra> damn your quickness, freelancer :(
40. <ra> Ian: a little freelancer gets rubbed on all of us :-/
41. <ra> you need clearance to access Ian's balls?
42. <wst> I wasn't thinking of dudes, for once
43. <Rack> Debaser is totally gonna get laid
    <Rack> Debaser is currently fucking a duck.
44. <Ian> It's like catching Santa masturbating
45. <Debaser> Only a small one, but ouch
46. <ra> you just sit there while the big boys do their work, katie
47. <peanut> another few months and you'll see them coming
48. <ra> my throat will hate me for this >.<
49. <ra> just couldn't wait to get inside
50. <Debaser> he's a mexican dude we pay to stand there
51. <ra> it's VERY long, but give it a chance
52. <ra> freelancer: fix this mess
    * freelancer wipes ra's face clean
53. <ra> don't worry, it'll happen before you know it :P
54. <catalyst> Ian: sex?
55. <freelancer> Can we please talk about CaptainPlatypus's penis more? :D
56. <ra> I'll ask freelancer for a dump :P
57. <Ian> katiedid: I need pics of your mom.
58. <ra> I knew you'd like it too, but I put it in there primarily for myself :P
59. <ra> I'm not big! :P
60. <ra> well, you can artificially enlarge it...
61. <Ian> So basically you love me because I blurt SEMEN all over the place at inappropriate times
62. <freelancer> Katie: Get over her
63. <iva> if you're good enough for rats, you're good for me :D
64. <Maximinus> I'm eating muff, omnomnomnom.
    <Maximinus> erm, muffin.
    <Maximinus> not muff.
65. <iva> and i want to pet it and squeeze it
66. <Palomides> I know how to get it to work, I just don't feel like doing it tonight :p
67. <Ian> Rack: Ian <cannot> get bots to do what he fucking wants
    <Rack> Please don't edit your own factoid, Ian.
68. <ra> I bet some native Aborigines keep running around, delivering TCP packets
69. <whiskeyish> so does katie. :P
    <theleica> in the ass.
70. <ra> well why did you let your sister have it?
71. <Traumaturge> WTF do you do in Disneyland for three days?
    <TehLaser> Traumaturge: kids.
72. <Surreal> get a bigger one QUICK
73. <ra> so THAT'S what the holes are for!
74. <whiskeyish> need two alien tits.
75. <ra> that's not what i said!
76. <goodger> the basic problem is that once finished it's quite easy to get fluid everywhere
77. <ra> ...wow, it even went in fine
78. <ra> for pussy drinkers like myself :P
79. <spenguin> <3 penises
80. <stiglet> Who the crap is jesus?
81. <whiskeyish> you never know when you're going to meet them in a dark ballpit.
82. <freelancer> I'm easy =P
83. <ra> like, "UR DOIN IT RONG! whipped cream is supposed to go on cake, not in your nose!"
84. <ra> a friend of mine is WRT enthusiast, he flashed his thingy
85. <whiskeyish> i am fun size goddammit!
86. <whiskeyish> how the hell did that manage to get in there...KATIE?!
87. <Ian> Stop orgasm facing!
88. <ra> okay, I'm done
89. <Ian> I'm going to go play with myself
90. <freelancer> You shouldn't pay for sex
    <ra> might just do that
91. <CaptainPlatypus> the fuck I can't, my ass is STILL sore from last week
92. <freelancer> HI FUCKING LITES
93. <freelancer> I'd prefer a gay nightclub
94. <whiskeyish> it appears to be the spinny thing on the other thing that connects to the big chip-looking thing.
95. <freelancer> I didn't steal any cookies!
96. <ra> who wouldn't like hard cheese >_>
97. <ra> oh, not going just yet... the friend needs to honk me first
    <ra> I'VE BEEN HONKED!
98. <ra> me and my roommate had a third roommate a girl
99. * goodger gets into a ten-year-old almost daily
100. <whiskeyish> they are pretty high up there on the list of best things i've ever had in my mouth.
101. <whiskeyish> freelancer: suck it.
102. <marc> I wonder if stephen hawking ever pretends to be a dalek.
103. <freelancer> Good luck getting off
104. <ra> okay, enough with the pussy drinking already! >.<
105. <Jenzipan> but you could not use mouth
106. <freelancer> I love nuts!
107. <Ian> To clarify, I meant sex
108. <LolCam> I WANT TO HUG IT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE 1 KM IN DIAMETER
109. <freelancer> Fuck standards
110. <CaptainPlatypus> do me!
111. <peanut> DM: wow, that's a monster
     <Palomides> luls
     <kremlin> few men can claim 18.4" in their lap
112. <TehLaser> Maximinus: you want to be the white goo in the middle of two cookies?
113. <freelancer> I can finish just fine thankyouverymuch =P
114. <Ian> Man, how big are these logs
115. <Ian> I didn't want to expose myself quite that much
116. <Nekromans> Might I suggest constantly wearing a vibrator?
117. <Ian> I didn't want to expose myself quite that much
118. <freelancer> But I just got up!
119. <Ian> They DID come quick
120. <Ian> cogit0: How big?
     <cogit0> about 8"
121. <ra> good thing I have an inch-thick skin :P
122. <ra> I suspect Ian will be dropping bombs all the time
123. <Steef> I rested my dick on it for a while
124. * freelancer shoots Ian in the face
125. <freelancer> NOEY YOU SHOULD COME
126. <Widdershins> This girl is...man
127. <freelancer> Ok now it's kinda not hard again, in case anyone's still interested
128. <freelancer> ...how did I not see that comin
129. <ra> keep 'em coming, freelancer :P
130. <ra> no worries, we'll get katie too, when she least expects it :P
131. <freelancer> They came in reversed order for me
132. <larue> graa it's also 8 inches too short
133. <noey> I'm gonna suck on this all day!
134. <freelancer> No one is interested in the state of my dick? =(
135. <Palomides> Ian: "PENIS PENIS PENIS"
136. <Ian> You have no idea how hard I was trying not to make further retard jokes
137. <Ian> It makes noises for me
138. <freelancer> I WANT SOME OF THAT
139. <ra> her dad should get a younger mom
140. <paratus> putting your vibrator in a heating pad for 10 minutes does not qualify it as a new friend, katie
141. <Ian> NOM NOM PLZ
142. * Ian goes back in katiedid
143. <Velociraptors> doing it before breakfast would be more awesome.
144. <Palomides> PENIS
145. <Ian> I still think this situation should have been left until Palo came.
146. <whiskeyish> i dunno, i've managed to cough up a horse while speaking french.
147. <Ian> I always wanted to do German.
148. <whiskeyish> IMPUDENT GUTTERSLUT.
149. <freelancer> IT'S A PRETZEL
150. <ra> head feels slightly swollen -_-
151. <Maximinus> I've never tried it before
152. <freelancer> You're not even trying =(
153. <spenguin> I just took off my pants and shirt
154. <Ian> GIVE IT TO ME GIVE IT TO ME NOW
155. <ra> feckit, I guess I'll never get completely used to your faking :P
156. <ra> that's because you fake it too well :P
157. <ra> watch out, incoming!
158. <ra> ...I'll just stop trying, okay?
159. <Ian> I didn't mean it to get her that hard
160. <ra> got me once, not gonna get me twice :P
161. <Ian> I don't like girls, I like child molestation in GENERAL
162. <ra> yes, that's exactly the reason I'm so incredibly glad I was filled in beforehand :D
163. <freelancer> You can't imagine any practical purpose of shoving a baby up a mom's ass, ra?
164. <ra> katie, would you like a complete dump? :P
165. *** Ian was kicked by Debaser (the child molestation was one thing, but TWILIGHT)
166. <Ian> It's just a hard lump
167. <Ian> It's just sort of like a bubbly feeling inside making happiness erupt forth
168. <LolCam> TehLaser: you just didn't know how to use it right
169. <TehLaser> I now rather wish I had gotten that minor.
170. <freelancer> I'm fast
171. <Ian> I was just about to pop that in >.<
172. <freelancer> I kinda like it
173. <Ian> It's in there, even if you haven't noticed it yet.
174. <freelancer> Now can we please get off Slinky? =P
175. <freelancer> That is so coming back to bite me in the ass -_-
176. <freelancer> It's too thick -_-
177. <ra> oooooooooooooh yes :D
178. <freelancer> I can do both at the same time =P
179. <Cheese> I don't like doing it, but I know I'm terrible for it D:
180. <Debaser> My perfect man has a vagina
181. <whiskeyish> they're like "OM NOM NOMGASM OH GOD THE FATTITUDE."
182. <whiskeyish> what? you've never seen people positively having oral sex with a fucking cheesecake? really? FAT PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME.
183. <whiskeyish> MINE IS HUGE AND CAN BLOW A HOLE IN YOU BIGGER THAN A THAI WHORE'S CUNT.
184. <ecthros> yeah sorry it's huge
185. <Ian> kremlin: I promise not to get into child sex marathons again
186. <Ian> Aww, Lithuania's a girl? :(
187. <Ian> LOL COME LOL
188. <Ian> CLASSY SON OF A BITCH
189. <DM> 18.4" is just impractically big
190. <Ian> Her jiggle makes you giggle >_>
191. <Slinky> You aren't going to miss and hit the vagina.
192. <whiskeyish> ONLY IF IT IS HOT
193. <Debaser> There needs to be a machine that can do that over the internet
194. <Jenzipan> Barely managed to keep his head up.
195. <Palomides> DM: I'd do it with this laptop, but apparently the wifi doesn't work
196. <spenguin> freelancer: Yo, do you still have those IRC sex chat logs?
197. <Ian> I totally fap to Katie with a dick
198. <Freudian> The miracle of science can keep out of my vagina.
199. <Freudian> You stand over me with a whip and a handbag, threatening to reinstate poll tax
200. <Ian> I like asshole dudes
201. <Freudian> stiglet: DEFINTIELY can't come now
202. <freelancer> Not like you didn't see any of this coming, Katie =P
203. <Ian> This may have been when I thought sex was compulsory
204. <freelancer> I watch porn for arousal, but sometimes it turns into a good laugh
205. <whiskeyish> it smells like freelancer.
206. <Ian> And I'm all out of tampons
207. <Ian> Sexually speaking, I'm a hard 6
208. <Ian> Yes, hard, harr harr
209. <freelancer> I have a cock!
210. <Debaser> Oi, you leave Mr. Wang out of this!
211. <freelancer> Pretty sure I know what harder means =P
212. <Debaser> Totally just entered katiedid
213. <freelancer> ra: Hey, I NEVER missed a toilet =P
214. * freelancer fucks guys
215. <whiskeyish> GOD DAMMIT NOT IN THE EYE.
216. <paratus> there's GIRLS on the INTERNET
     <ecthros> and I couldn't buy one even if I was interested :P
217. <Sara> but Im also older than you, so I've just had more years to cram in more times
218. <paratus> it burns so very nicely
219. <Freudian> This means you trust me alone with your mother? >_>
220. <cogit0> yeah that didnt work
221. <freelancer> I'm gonna go find something to put in my mouth, brb
222. * macnut gets poked, repeatedly
223. <whiskeyish> i'm too creeped out to do anymore.
224. <macnut> ooh, you're coming?
225. <Freudian> I dislike the cock as much as you
226. <Maximinus> does sparky suck too much to take it like that?
227. <Freudian> I didn't ask for it!
228. <ra> ...did I come in at a bad time?
229. <iva> i hope he never gets one
230. <ra> try receiving only :P
231. <freelancer> Mmm meat
232. <Freudian> I WAS REFERRING TO ERECTIONS KATELIN
233. <Freudian> Dammit you need to be more horny
234. <freelancer> She's not jailbait where it matters =P
235. <spenguin> Still nomming that taco?
236. <freelancer> It's cold and wet!
237. <ra> no, I am not currently shitting, freelancer :P
238. <ra> yes, only she's in a better position
239. <Debaser> Ooooh, I'm good at this
240. * ra gets on Debaser
241. <Debaser> I'm more worried about touching it than I am drinking it
242. <Debaser> I'm holding some of it in my hand right now
243. <Freudian> Fucking
244. <Freudian> HOW COULD YOU I'M DISABLED
245. <ra> yeah, once was enough :P
246. <Freudian> Also, ballgag girl's boyfriend is HOT o.0
247. <Freudian> I can handle GUY sex noises, I just need to stock up on kleenex
248. <Debaser> Hot
     <Freudian> I'm not!
249. <ra> only, Sparky will strip the pipe
250. <ra> no, not enough yet
251. <ra> ...I should've seen that coming
252. <Debaser> Get into it