Xkcd-quotes

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Famous XKCD quotes[edit]

Various amusing and memorable quotes scooped from various #xkcd-* channels and some other places. See also...


  1. <Debaser> I do enjoy hardwood
  2. <Ian> I JUST HAD THE BEST IDEA EVER
  3. <freelancer> Katie had sex with a banana?
  4. <ra> EVERYBODY SHUT UP SO I CAN GET SOME
  5. * ra swallows
  6. <ra> ugh, this was good, but now my mouth is burning >.<
    <Debaser> Oral sex and herpes is a bad combination
  7. <Debaser> Here's hoping it's a bigun
  8. <Ian> I'd forgotten the shitting grandma until you mentioned it.
  9. <crnaofca> why are people not coming!
  10. <Ian> I enjoy sucking on your nipples?
  11. <Ian> I WANT THE HAIRY TEEN
  12. <Debaser> I WANT BABIES
  13. <Ian> For GLITTERSEX
  14. <Ian> New thing on my to-do list: eat a girl out in shark week
  15. <peanut> I'm having a hard time keeping my nuts straight
  16. <freelancer> ...if I'm thinking about underage girls it'll be ones I actually know =P
  17. <ra> ooh, I wants some too!
  18. <ra> I don't even have a stick!
  19. <freelancer> Lisimba: i am gapping!
  20. <freelancer> hey i can jizz for katie too!
    <ra> says there that's all I have to do!
  21. <LolCam> stiglet: umm.. MINES BIGGER
    <LolCam> And not nearly as tasty....
  22. <Ian> LolCam: I will suck you so hard
  23. <kremlin> I use them so rarely that I'm not sure where I put them
  24. <DM> Yay, my throat doesn't hurt anymore! ^^
    <freelancer> DM: Ready for another go? ^^
  25. <Ian> This is the best thing I've ever had in my mouth
  26. <kremlin> AND It'S TWICE AS LONG AS A CIGARETTE
  27. <Ian> Oh my god your vagina is now called Uruk-Hai
  28. <noey> i was just like, neat! she pees!
  29. <Ian> MAKE SURE TO MASTURBATE
    <Ian> Subtlety is my MIDDLE NAME!
  30. <ra> I just exploded all over my entire family!
  31. <cogit0> aaaand now we're back to the herpes
  32. <whiskeyish> i have trouble remembering where to put what, and what gender things are.
  33. <Oceloctopus> My friend just told me she mixed Mountain Dew Voltage, with Amp energy drink to create watts
  34. <freelancer> I'll probably do it til it blows up in my face, then we'll see
  35. http://www.xkcdb.com/?6869
  36. <stiglet> I was talking about the corpses.
    <Jenzipan> They are cute. :D
  37. <freelancer> Ian: ...I am totally coming =P
  38. <freelancer> Oh hey I'm in Katie ^^
  39. <ra> damn your quickness, freelancer :(
  40. <ra> Ian: a little freelancer gets rubbed on all of us :-/
  41. <ra> you need clearance to access Ian's balls?
  42. <wst> I wasn't thinking of dudes, for once
  43. <Rack> Debaser is totally gonna get laid
    <Rack> Debaser is currently fucking a duck.
  44. <Ian> It's like catching Santa masturbating
  45. <Debaser> Only a small one, but ouch
  46. <ra> you just sit there while the big boys do their work, katie
  47. <peanut> another few months and you'll see them coming
  48. <ra> my throat will hate me for this >.<
  49. <ra> just couldn't wait to get inside
  50. <Debaser> he's a mexican dude we pay to stand there
  51. <ra> it's VERY long, but give it a chance
  52. <ra> freelancer: fix this mess
    * freelancer wipes ra's face clean
  53. <ra> don't worry, it'll happen before you know it :P
  54. <catalyst> Ian: sex?
  55. <freelancer> Can we please talk about CaptainPlatypus's penis more? :D
  56. <ra> I'll ask freelancer for a dump :P
  57. <Ian> katiedid: I need pics of your mom.
  58. <ra> I knew you'd like it too, but I put it in there primarily for myself :P
  59. <ra> I'm not big! :P
  60. <ra> well, you can artificially enlarge it...
  61. <Ian> So basically you love me because I blurt SEMEN all over the place at inappropriate times
  62. <freelancer> Katie: Get over her
  63. <iva> if you're good enough for rats, you're good for me :D
  64. <Maximinus> I'm eating muff, omnomnomnom.
    <Maximinus> erm, muffin.
    <Maximinus> not muff.
  65. <iva> and i want to pet it and squeeze it
  66. <Palomides> I know how to get it to work, I just don't feel like doing it tonight :p
  67. <Ian> Rack: Ian <cannot> get bots to do what he fucking wants
    <Rack> Please don't edit your own factoid, Ian.
  68. <ra> I bet some native Aborigines keep running around, delivering TCP packets
  69. <whiskeyish> so does katie. :P
    <theleica> in the ass.
  70. <ra> well why did you let your sister have it?
  71. <Traumaturge> WTF do you do in Disneyland for three days?
    <TehLaser> Traumaturge: kids.
  72. <Surreal> get a bigger one QUICK
  73. <ra> so THAT'S what the holes are for!
  74. <whiskeyish> need two alien tits.
  75. <ra> that's not what i said!
  76. <goodger> the basic problem is that once finished it's quite easy to get fluid everywhere
  77. <ra> ...wow, it even went in fine
  78. <ra> for pussy drinkers like myself :P
  79. <spenguin> <3 penises
  80. <stiglet> Who the crap is jesus?
  81. <whiskeyish> you never know when you're going to meet them in a dark ballpit.
  82. <freelancer> I'm easy =P
  83. <ra> like, "UR DOIN IT RONG! whipped cream is supposed to go on cake, not in your nose!"
  84. <ra> a friend of mine is WRT enthusiast, he flashed his thingy
  85. <whiskeyish> i am fun size goddammit!
  86. <whiskeyish> how the hell did that manage to get in there...KATIE?!
  87. <Ian> Stop orgasm facing!
  88. <ra> okay, I'm done
  89. <Ian> I'm going to go play with myself
  90. <freelancer> You shouldn't pay for sex
    <ra> might just do that
  91. <CaptainPlatypus> the fuck I can't, my ass is STILL sore from last week
  92. <freelancer> HI FUCKING LITES
  93. <freelancer> I'd prefer a gay nightclub
  94. <whiskeyish> it appears to be the spinny thing on the other thing that connects to the big chip-looking thing.
  95. <freelancer> I didn't steal any cookies!
  96. <ra> who wouldn't like hard cheese >_>
  97. <ra> oh, not going just yet... the friend needs to honk me first
    <ra> I'VE BEEN HONKED!
  98. <ra> me and my roommate had a third roommate a girl
  99. * goodger gets into a ten-year-old almost daily
  100. <whiskeyish> they are pretty high up there on the list of best things i've ever had in my mouth.
  101. <whiskeyish> freelancer: suck it.
  102. <marc> I wonder if stephen hawking ever pretends to be a dalek.
  103. <freelancer> Good luck getting off
  104. <ra> okay, enough with the pussy drinking already! >.<
  105. <Jenzipan> but you could not use mouth
  106. <freelancer> I love nuts!
  107. <Ian> To clarify, I meant sex
  108. <LolCam> I WANT TO HUG IT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE 1 KM IN DIAMETER
  109. <freelancer> Fuck standards
  110. <CaptainPlatypus> do me!
  111. <peanut> DM: wow, that's a monster
    <Palomides> luls
    <kremlin> few men can claim 18.4" in their lap
  112. <TehLaser> Maximinus: you want to be the white goo in the middle of two cookies?
  113. <freelancer> I can finish just fine thankyouverymuch =P
  114. <Ian> Man, how big are these logs
  115. <Ian> I didn't want to expose myself quite that much
  116. <Nekromans> Might I suggest constantly wearing a vibrator?
  117. <Ian> I didn't want to expose myself quite that much
  118. <freelancer> But I just got up!
  119. <Ian> They DID come quick
  120. <Ian> cogit0: How big?
    <cogit0> about 8"
  121. <ra> good thing I have an inch-thick skin :P
  122. <ra> I suspect Ian will be dropping bombs all the time
  123. <Steef> I rested my dick on it for a while
  124. * freelancer shoots Ian in the face
  125. <freelancer> NOEY YOU SHOULD COME
  126. <Widdershins> This girl is...man
  127. <freelancer> Ok now it's kinda not hard again, in case anyone's still interested
  128. <freelancer> ...how did I not see that comin
  129. <ra> keep 'em coming, freelancer :P
  130. <ra> no worries, we'll get katie too, when she least expects it :P
  131. <freelancer> They came in reversed order for me
  132. <larue> graa it's also 8 inches too short
  133. <noey> I'm gonna suck on this all day!
  134. <freelancer> No one is interested in the state of my dick? =(
  135. <Palomides> Ian: "PENIS PENIS PENIS"
  136. <Ian> You have no idea how hard I was trying not to make further retard jokes
  137. <Ian> It makes noises for me
  138. <freelancer> I WANT SOME OF THAT
  139. <ra> her dad should get a younger mom
  140. <paratus> putting your vibrator in a heating pad for 10 minutes does not qualify it as a new friend, katie
  141. <Ian> NOM NOM PLZ
  142. * Ian goes back in katiedid
  143. <Velociraptors> doing it before breakfast would be more awesome.
  144. <Palomides> PENIS
  145. <Ian> I still think this situation should have been left until Palo came.
  146. <whiskeyish> i dunno, i've managed to cough up a horse while speaking french.
  147. <Ian> I always wanted to do German.
  148. <whiskeyish> IMPUDENT GUTTERSLUT.
  149. <freelancer> IT'S A PRETZEL
  150. <ra> head feels slightly swollen -_-
  151. <Maximinus> I've never tried it before
  152. <freelancer> You're not even trying =(
  153. <spenguin> I just took off my pants and shirt
  154. <Ian> GIVE IT TO ME GIVE IT TO ME NOW
  155. <ra> feckit, I guess I'll never get completely used to your faking :P
  156. <ra> that's because you fake it too well :P
  157. <ra> watch out, incoming!
  158. <ra> ...I'll just stop trying, okay?
  159. <Ian> I didn't mean it to get her that hard
  160. <ra> got me once, not gonna get me twice :P
  161. <Ian> I don't like girls, I like child molestation in GENERAL
  162. <ra> yes, that's exactly the reason I'm so incredibly glad I was filled in beforehand :D
  163. <freelancer> You can't imagine any practical purpose of shoving a baby up a mom's ass, ra?
  164. <ra> katie, would you like a complete dump? :P
  165. *** Ian was kicked by Debaser (the child molestation was one thing, but TWILIGHT)
  166. <Ian> It's just a hard lump
  167. <Ian> It's just sort of like a bubbly feeling inside making happiness erupt forth
  168. <LolCam> TehLaser: you just didn't know how to use it right
  169. <TehLaser> I now rather wish I had gotten that minor.
  170. <freelancer> I'm fast
  171. <Ian> I was just about to pop that in >.<
  172. <freelancer> I kinda like it
  173. <Ian> It's in there, even if you haven't noticed it yet.
  174. <freelancer> Now can we please get off Slinky? =P
  175. <freelancer> That is so coming back to bite me in the ass -_-
  176. <freelancer> It's too thick -_-
  177. <ra> oooooooooooooh yes :D
  178. <freelancer> I can do both at the same time =P
  179. <Cheese> I don't like doing it, but I know I'm terrible for it D:
  180. <Debaser> My perfect man has a vagina
  181. <whiskeyish> they're like "OM NOM NOMGASM OH GOD THE FATTITUDE."
  182. <whiskeyish> what? you've never seen people positively having oral sex with a fucking cheesecake? really? FAT PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME.
  183. <whiskeyish> MINE IS HUGE AND CAN BLOW A HOLE IN YOU BIGGER THAN A THAI WHORE'S CUNT.
  184. <ecthros> yeah sorry it's huge
  185. <Ian> kremlin: I promise not to get into child sex marathons again
  186. <Ian> Aww, Lithuania's a girl? :(
  187. <Ian> LOL COME LOL
  188. <Ian> CLASSY SON OF A BITCH
  189. <DM> 18.4" is just impractically big
  190. <Ian> Her jiggle makes you giggle >_>
  191. <Slinky> You aren't going to miss and hit the vagina.
  192. <whiskeyish> ONLY IF IT IS HOT
  193. <Debaser> There needs to be a machine that can do that over the internet
  194. <Jenzipan> Barely managed to keep his head up.
  195. <Palomides> DM: I'd do it with this laptop, but apparently the wifi doesn't work
  196. <spenguin> freelancer: Yo, do you still have those IRC sex chat logs?
  197. <Ian> I totally fap to Katie with a dick
  198. <Freudian> The miracle of science can keep out of my vagina.
  199. <Freudian> You stand over me with a whip and a handbag, threatening to reinstate poll tax
  200. <Ian> I like asshole dudes
  201. <Freudian> stiglet: DEFINTIELY can't come now
  202. <freelancer> Not like you didn't see any of this coming, Katie =P
  203. <Ian> This may have been when I thought sex was compulsory
  204. <freelancer> I watch porn for arousal, but sometimes it turns into a good laugh
  205. <whiskeyish> it smells like freelancer.
  206. <Ian> And I'm all out of tampons
  207. <Ian> Sexually speaking, I'm a hard 6
  208. <Ian> Yes, hard, harr harr
  209. <freelancer> I have a cock!
  210. <Debaser> Oi, you leave Mr. Wang out of this!
  211. <freelancer> Pretty sure I know what harder means =P
  212. <Debaser> Totally just entered katiedid
  213. <freelancer> ra: Hey, I NEVER missed a toilet =P
  214. * freelancer fucks guys
  215. <whiskeyish> GOD DAMMIT NOT IN THE EYE.
  216. <paratus> there's GIRLS on the INTERNET
    <ecthros> and I couldn't buy one even if I was interested :P
  217. <Sara> but Im also older than you, so I've just had more years to cram in more times
  218. <paratus> it burns so very nicely
  219. <Freudian> This means you trust me alone with your mother? >_>
  220. <cogit0> yeah that didnt work
  221. <freelancer> I'm gonna go find something to put in my mouth, brb
  222. * macnut gets poked, repeatedly
  223. <whiskeyish> i'm too creeped out to do anymore.
  224. <macnut> ooh, you're coming?
  225. <Freudian> I dislike the cock as much as you
  226. <Maximinus> does sparky suck too much to take it like that?
  227. <Freudian> I didn't ask for it!
  228. <ra> ...did I come in at a bad time?
  229. <iva> i hope he never gets one
  230. <ra> try receiving only :P
  231. <freelancer> Mmm meat
  232. <Freudian> I WAS REFERRING TO ERECTIONS KATELIN
  233. <Freudian> Dammit you need to be more horny
  234. <freelancer> She's not jailbait where it matters =P
  235. <spenguin> Still nomming that taco?
  236. <freelancer> It's cold and wet!
  237. <ra> no, I am not currently shitting, freelancer :P
  238. <ra> yes, only she's in a better position
  239. <Debaser> Ooooh, I'm good at this
  240. * ra gets on Debaser
  241. <Debaser> I'm more worried about touching it than I am drinking it
  242. <Debaser> I'm holding some of it in my hand right now
  243. <Freudian> Fucking
  244. <Freudian> HOW COULD YOU I'M DISABLED
  245. <ra> yeah, once was enough :P
  246. <Freudian> Also, ballgag girl's boyfriend is HOT o.0
  247. <Freudian> I can handle GUY sex noises, I just need to stock up on kleenex
  248. <Debaser> Hot
    <Freudian> I'm not!
  249. <ra> only, Sparky will strip the pipe
  250. <ra> no, not enough yet
  251. <ra> ...I should've seen that coming
  252. <Debaser> Get into it