XKCD-SUCKS

A "channel" "devoted" to the "readers (losers)" of the XKCDSucks blog. We love you. Not.

"Channel" rules

• No take-backsies.
• No give-backsies.
• No hating of Rob.
• No listening to Seth or Frowzie.
• No paying attention.
• No fatphobia.
• No crying.
• No EBG13.
• No "irony".
• No talking about xkcd.
• No linking to Tumblr.
• No exclamation marks, even upside-down ones.
• No u.
• Mandatory talking about silent robs.
• By talking in the channel, you agree that dogs are hella lame.
• Sovereign citizens have no rights and are subject to all of the channel's rules.

List of running truths

• Rob is the fattest.
• Frowzie is drunk and fat.
• Everyone is incredibly successful
• Ann no longer toils fruitlessly at cambridge. He is still fat and useless though, and everyone still hates him.
• T_A is bound to lose. Also fat.
• Seth edits his own description and loves Homestuck. What a loser.
• Channel is a chasm of self pity and despair.
• This page is important.
• The Lord does not work in mysterious ways, except insofar as it involves Crimbly.

List of relevant URLs

• Duckbama.
• Vaudeville Ghosts
• Lesbian Skate Ravers
• Tumblr
• FurAffinity

"Channel" Manifest Chanifest no, fuck you

We are a bunch of rad dudes installing linux on skateboards. Here's our gear lineup.

Name	Skateboard	Linux	Incontinent
Annapolis	Smith & Wesson 30" 64bit	Debian 6.06	Engle-land
Rob-sothoth	Hi-tops	OS/2 Fat	THEM
Skanker	Nambu 14	Windows ME	JAPAN??
Seth	Unreal Air	ILIOS	US
Eqypt/Nanisore/Obamasnow	The WindWaker	DeenWare	Tennessee
JWC	Tokarev TT	BKUNIX	RU
Froward	CPS2700	Ubuntu	US
Priority_Kitten	Mirrorboard/LEGO Custom	OSX/CentOS	Land of the Engles
slav/butterflyra	Cheesegrater	AmigaOS	Slavia
Joe	OG Kush	Windows 3.11	A submarine
Ravenzomg	Speed Deemonz Checker Custom	Windows 95	Ontario
Ananke	The Fatmeister	Jitterbug	Da Block
The_autodidact	Darkstar Rabid Yellow	Gentoo	Community College
Kat Pope	Globe Blazer Pink	OpenOffice 4.5	West Texas
Mr_Filament/Filly	Crackerstar Express	AndroidOS 0.9	The Deepest South
Muad	World Industries Cruisn' Cruiser	Yellow Hat Linux	Heaven
Sean	Vanilla Green Machine Inline Speed Skates	Windows 8	Hell
Mno	Step2 Extreme Coaster Rollercoaster	Furbuntu	Northern Lands

List of people that aren't here but I wish were here

• ALTF
• MrQBear
• pissmop
• William Monty Hughes
• capn
• aloria
• puddle
• airtank
• Crimbly
• joannac

List of Sethites

• ananke
• jn
• egypt
• mno
• Euclidian
• elision
• some other people

List of Kittenites

• cookie

OFFICIAL XKCD-SUCKS SHEEPLE GAME RESULTS

1. Describe rob in one word, other than the word 'fat'.

FAT (5pts)

• ann ("fat")
• rob ("immense")
• Elision ("corpulent")
• William Monty Hughes ("corpulent")
• kitten ("fattest")

HIPSTER (2pts)

• T_A
• Raven

1pt answers:

• "sad" - Frowzie
• "dreamy" - Seth
• "'Rob'" - slav
• ""Resplendent"" - Ian
• "Dumb" - ashy
• "robbed" - mno
• "Asshat" - Joe

2. Name a former member of the channel you would like to return.

ALORIA (4pts)

• ann
• T_A
• kitten
• Joe

NOBODY (3pts)

• Elision ("I don't know anyone who's left other than joannac, so nobody")
• ashy ("who?")
• mno ("mnobody")

JOANNAC (2pts)

• Ian
• William Monty Hughes ("The Angel of Death")

1pt answers:

• "carl 'crandarlob' wheeler" - rob
• "ananke" - seth
• "snacks" - Frowzie
• "jade_harley" - slav
• "pro_mole" - Raven

3. Describe how you want to murder annie.

EROTICALLY (2pts)

• Elision ("sensually")
• Raven ("sexily")

1pt answers

• "Single gunshot" - ann
• "trotsky-style" - rob
• "stabbed with music puns" - kitten
• "Chinese bamboo torture" - Frowzie
• "Ironically" - T_A
• "Successfully" - Seth
• "I wouldn't" - mno
• "in front of grace chatto, who nods appreciatively all the while" - slav
• "crazy glue" - ashy
• "travel back in time and give your foetus a peanut allergy then travel back to the present and give you a peanut" - Ian
• "Ohohoho. Had I a thousand hands and keyboards I could not print this to a satisfactory answer within the millennia despite my vast, immeasurable talents. Give me a thousand chimps (I'm sure your mangy gang can substitute for at least twenty) on a thousand typewriters. From there, it's only a matter of time before your ignoble deaths. As the men in Hazz-mat suits walk in to survey the shit-drowned corpses and exterminate the chimps (it was hard to distinguish the two groups) they will find a single sheet of paper, presumably the last writings of a mind for whom nothing but the insides of a toilet bowl should hold. On that shit-stained sheet of paper will simply be the words and in gorgeous arial-12 font: 'xkcd sucks'. Delighted, I exclaim from the comfort of my Fortress of Solitude: "I limned this night-piece, and it was my best'." - W.M.H.
• "He'll know it's coming. I'll leave notes, scrawled in blood, above his bed as he sleeps. I'll leave a knife embedded in his pillow, just so he knows no barrier he can erect can keep him safe. This will continue for weeks. On the final night, I will kick down his door, charge him with my sword and slash his throat out. Bending his head back, I shall drink in the blood of my deserving victim to gain his feeble strength." - Joe

4. Name the worst xkcd.

631 (4pts)

• ann
• rob
• T_A
• Joe ("if memory serves. I dare not verify.")

ALL OF THEM (3pts)

• kitten
• mno ("the one where equations are more important than the sexual pleasure of women")
• seth ("the one about phones")

1pt answers:

• "119" - Frowzie
• "72" - Ian
• "money" - raven
• "404" - William Monty 'Huge'
• "literally what is xkcd" - Ashy
• "1347" - Elision
• "712" - slav

5. Describe what Carl 'Ugly' Wheeler is doing as we speak.

MASTURBATING (5pts)

• ann
• rob ("to 631")
• Frowzie ("into a tub of lard")
• slav ("over his piles of illicit gains")
• Elision ("like 30% chance he's sleeping, 10% chance he's whacking it")

BEING A RICH CARIBBEAN BASTARD (3pts)

• t_a ("pissing his life away in a beach house in the caymans")
• kitten ("rolling around in google adsense money")
• raven ("retired on a carribean isle")

WHO? (3pts)

• ashy
• mno
• ian ("being ugly? idk who this is but they sound pretty bad")

1pt answers:

• "falling in love" - seth
• "Failing at everything he tries. This includes simple tasks like making dinner or brushing his teeth." - Joe
• "That depends upon your (idiot) definition of 'doing', idiot. No one as hollow at the core as The Autist Formerly Known as Prick can be imagined as doing anything so much as the smegma currently pasteurising on my penis is accomplishing much, loath as I am to debase myself with such an unequal comparison. I estimate he's probably wasting the ill-gotten gains of his Empire of Hate on poorly thought out ventures like whores, or the cocaine, or both. The way of the reverse-Schindler I suppose, in Wheeler's case 'he who wastes one life saves the world retired'. I can only hope that whatever he's doing, that he's realised the error of his ways and yet is denied all hope of redemption. In the way of the tragic hero of classical drama he has attained a measure of anagnorisis yet is past the point of it being of any use. Carl Wheeler has destroyed himself. Let the travesty of his being serve as a dire warning against walking (or cycling, that is, Wheeling) the road of the Liberal Arts Major." - Willard Montgomery Hughes

6. Name a job someone in the channel has.

SCIENCE THIEF (5pts)

• ann
• rob
• seth
• slav
• kitten

STUDENT (3pts)

• elision
• ashy ("top university in the world")
• raven

1pt answers:

• "nuclear submarine man" - Frowzie
• "being a jerk" - mno
• "courier" - T_A
• "runs a shitty blog" - ian
• "N/A" - Willy Huge

n.b. Joe is awarded 0pt this round for answering three times

7. Name a trick used to speedrun OoT.

SUPERSLIDE (4pts)

• ann
• kitten ("suuuuupersliiiiide")
• ashy ("superslide wrong warp")
• rob ("wrongwarp superslide ISG")

FELCHING (2pts)

• seth
• slav ("double shift back felch")

1pt answers:

• "dash slide" - T_A
• "backflip" - mno
• "BACKWARDS LONG JUMP I GOT THIS" - elision
• "up up down down left right left right B A start" - Frowzie
• "cocaine" - Ian
• "stick them with the pointy end" - Raven
• "I've never played an N64 game, so I am forced to assume that the fastest way of beating it is to look up the ending on youtube." - Joe
• "Seppuku. 'If your goal is a quick end, upon your blade' - Hughsian Proverb. Ocarina not Clockarina you dunce." - William Monty Hughes

8. Name a good webcomic.

ACHEWOOD (3pts)

• rob
• T_A
• mno

GUNNERKRIGG COURT (2pts) Seth Ian

1pt answers: "scarygoround" - Frowzie

• "a softer world" - ann
• "Order of the Stick" - Joe
• "oglaf" - Raven
• "vattu" - Elision
• "unsounded" - slav
• "no u" - kitten
• "n/a" - ashy
• ""Xkcd"" - W.M.H.

9. Name an awful website that isn't a webcomic.

REDDIT (7pts)

• ann
• Frowzie
• T_A
• seth
• Ian
• kitten
• mno ("/r/xkcd")

XKCDSUCKS.BLOGSPOT.COM (3pts)

• Rob
• W.M.H.
• raven

1pts answers:

• "neogaf" - Elision
• "stuffdutchpeoplelike" - slav
• "<annie's website to which i won't link but gj on the detective work ashy>" - ashy
• "Isn't there a site that advocates legalizing drunk driving? That one." - Joe

10. Name the channel members who would make the best couple.

ANNIE & RAVEN (2pts)

• ann
• Seth

ROB & KITTEN (2pts)

• Ian
• raven

1pt answers:

• "ann & rob" - Rob
• "ann & eqypt" - eqypt
• "ann & kitten" - T_A
• "slav & kitten" - kitten
• "eqypt & seth" - Frowzie
• "eqypt & elision" - Elision
• "joannac & rob" - slav
• "Rob and whatever fat cock is in the room at any given moment. Or: Ananke and myself" - Joe
• "mno" - mno
• "Everyone involved and the sweet embrace of a most merciful and fortuitous Psychopomp, followed by an eternal honeymoon in the farthest reaches of Non-Fictional Hell for a spate of unending copulation with a skeletal drudger (ossified phallus included, obviously)." - William Montissimo Hughes

FINAL SCORES

• 14. joe 1+4+1+4+1+0+1+1+1+1 15
• 13. W.M.H. 5+2+1+1+1+1+1+1+3+1 17
• =10. raven 2+1+2+1+3+3+1+1+3+2 19
• =10. slav 1+1+1+1+5+5+2+1+1+1 19
• =10. ashy 1+3+1+1+3+3+4+1+1+1 19
• =8. ian 1+2+1+1+3+1+1+2+7+1 20
• =8. frowzie 1+1+1+1+5+1+1+1+7+1 20
• 7. elision 5+3+2+1+5+3+1+1+1+1 23
• 6. mno 1+3+1+3+3+1+1+3+7+1 24
• 5. seth 1+1+1+3+1+5+2+2+7+2 25
• 4. t_a 2+4+1+4+3+1+1+3+7+1 27
• 3. rob 5+1+1+4+5+5+4+3+3+2 33
• 2. kitten 5+4+1+3+3+5+4+1+7+1 34
• 1. ann 5+4+1+4+5+5+4+1+7+2 38

How to bag yourself a seaman

• You're going to need a big paper bag.