User:CrystyB/Transcripts

Transcripts from ohnorobot

source

Note: I have found (while using the OB1 browser) that xkcd itself includes a transcript in its HTML code!

Barrel - Part 1

1: Barrel - Part 1

A boy sits in a barrel which is floating in an ocean.

Boy: I wonder where I'll float next?

The barrel drifts into the distance. Nothing else can be seen.

[Alt text: Don't we all.]

Petit Trees (sketch)

2: Petit Trees (sketch)

Two trees are growing on opposite sides of a sphere; sketch on math paper.

[Alt text: 'Petit' being a reference to Le Petit Prince, which I only thought about halfway through the sketch]

Island (sketch)

3: Island (sketch)

A barren green Island, surrounded by water; sketch on math paper.

[Alt text: Hello, island]

Landscape (sketch)

4: Landscape (sketch)

A sketch of a landscape with sun on the horizon; sketch on math paper.

[Alt text: There's a river flowing through the ocean]

Blown apart

5: Blown apart

A black number 70 sees a red package.

70: hey, a package!

The package explodes with a <<BOOM>> and a red cloud of smoke.

There are a red 7, a green 5 and a blue 2 lying near a scorched mark on the floor.

[Alt text: Blown into prime factors]

577: The Race: Part 1

577: The Race: Part 1

Woman sitting at a computer talks to man behind her

Woman: Huh, cool. Nathan Fillion (Mal from Firefly) has an electric skateboard. Just like you!

Silence

Woman: Did you hear that? Nathan-

off panel: <<Ratchet>> <<Zip>> <<Buckle>>

Man comes back with a skateboard and wearing protective gear

Man: I heard. Gimme the computer. I need to book a flight.

[To be continued...]

[Alt text: Great, and you JUST finished paying off the settlement over the Wayne Coyne hamster ball incident.]

578: The Race: Part 2

578: The Race: Part 2

Man with skateboard and gear and woman are talking

Man: "Why race him?" He's Captain Reynolds!

Woman: Mr. Fillion is an actor. Firefly was years ago.

They go over to a computer; the man is using a phone and presumably looking up a phone number

Woman: He has his own life to live, and I'm sure the last thing he wants to do is indulge a fan by playing Mal for him.

Nathan Fillion is standing in front of a mirror in a trenchcoat

Nathan: (into the mirror) Name's Captain Reynolds, ma'am. *ahem* Name's Captain Reynolds, ma'am.

Someone offpanel: Nathan? Telephone!

Nathan: That's Captain!

Someone offpanel: Fine, Captain Nathan.

Nathan: No, use my space name!

Someone offpanel: *sigh*

Nathan and the skateboarder talk on the phone

Skateboarder: So, how about we race for charities?

Nathan: Sure. Always did want a charity of my own.

Text between them: Come again?

Nathan: You know, boxes in supermarkets collecting food. 'Course, ought to tack up a list sayin' which wines I like best...

Skateboarder: Uh, that's not quite...

Nathan: Listen, I'm the captain here.

Skateboarder: ...I just got goosebumps when you said that.

Nathan: Yeah, happens to me too whenever I get captainy. I cut such a strapping figure. Buckle! Swash! All right, let's do this race.

[Alt text: The Hammer + Captain Tightpants == Captain Hammerpants?]

579: The Race: Part 3

579: The Race: Part 3

Malcolm, Munrovian Male, and Summer Glau standing around with electric skateboards

Malcolm Reynolds: meet a few of my friends. this is-

Male: Summer Glau! you were the best part of Chronicles.

Summer: I eat my bodyweight in food every 31 days. that's slightly faster than the human average.

Summer stares off into space

Malcom: yeah, there's a reason she only plays strange roles.

Male: Ah.

Summer (offscreen): I'm part of the floor now.

They find Jewel Staite working on a skateboard's engine

Malcolm: and this is Kaylee.

Jewel: my name is Jewel, Nathan.

Malcolm: Kaylee-

Jewel: Jewel.

Malcolm Jewel is fixin' up my new board.

Jewel: almost done!

Male: so wait. Summer's actually weird, Jewel's actually a mechanical whiz...

Male: ...will Morena Baccarin be here? is she really a-

Malcolm and Jewel: NO.

Setting up for the race

Malcolm: Kaylee, I've been gunnin' the radio hand throttle thingy for a while, but it ain't movin'

Jewel: oh, I must've set it to the wrong frequency!

Male (riding around on haywire board): AAAAAAAA

[Alt text: No, the best things about The Sarah Connor Chronicles were: (1) watching Sarah and Cameron try to pass for normal, and (2) Cameron throwing people and things through walls. Everything else was pretty secondary.]

580: The Race: Part 4

580: The Race: Part 4

Randall/xkcd/man and Nathan Fillion are ready on the start line on their electric skateboards

Voice off panel: On your mark...

Voice: Get set...

Nathan: Remember episode 11, when I got all naked in that desert?

Voice: Go!

Nathan speeds away leaving Randall standing at the start line

voice: ... I said "Go."

voice: someone throw some water on him

Randall: Can't...get it...out of my head...

Nathan on walkie talkie, speeding on his skateboard

Nathan: He's right behind me. Kaylee, I'm gonna try a Crazy Ivan.

Kaylee (on walkie talkie): That doesn't make any sense, Nathan.

Nathan: Trust me.

Kaylee: No, I mean it's not a skateboard maneuver. The concept doesn't even apply to this situation.

Nathan (via walkie talkie): That's why it just might work!

Kaylee: No, that's the opposite of true!

Nathan: On my mark, override the remote differential and throw her into a spin.

Kaylee (via walkie talkie): okay, but-

Nathan: Mark!

<WHAM>

Nathan lying injured on the ground next to his skateboard, Randall/Man cruises past

<whirrrrrrrr>

Nathan, trying to stand up

Nathan: I'm down. Tell Summer "The chickens are in the hayloft. Plan Gamma is a go."

Nathan, one foot on skateboard, looking at walkie talkie

<indecipherable text>

Kaylee: She says, "Plan gamma acknowledged. The meerkats are in the bag.

Summer Glau is walking off panel

Kaylee (to walkee talkie): So we're good?

Nathan: Hard to tell with her. Do you see an actual bag of meerkats?

Kaylee: No.

Nathan: Then we're probably good.

Randall/Man screeching to a halt as he sees Summer Glau

Randall: Oh! Hi, Miss Glau! I'd love to talk, but Nathan's back on his feet and catching up.

Summer grabs Randall's arm

<grab>

Randall: Wha-

Summer kicks Randall in the face whilst pulling his arm towards her, he flies off his skateboard

Summer walking away as Randall lies crippled on the floor with his sunglasses beside him

Randall still lying on the floor

Randall (thinking): I've never been so turned on in my life.

[Alt text: Things are rarely just crazy enough to work, but they're frequently just crazy enough to fail hilariously.]

Note: XKCD's HTML is wrong on this part, it lists: {{Alt text: Things are rarely just crazy enough to work, but they're frequently just crazy enough to fail hilariously. Title: The Race: Part 4. Comic: xkcd. Tags: firefly, nathan fillion, summer glau, crazy ivan, serenity, whedon}}

Newer

581: The Race: Part 5

581: The Race: Part 5

Note: XKCD's HTML is off on this page... ^^

582: Brakes

582: Brakes

Narrator: Of the potential responses to my brakes' failure, i did not choose the best.

A cliff is visible, with a car flying off it.

Voice coming from within the car: Hello, you're on Car Talk.

[Alt text: It was the funniest 6.5 seconds of my life, although as usual like 80% of it was just Tom and Ray's gasping, hacking laughter.]

583: CNR

583: CNR

A woman is sitting at a computer.

Speech2Text Commander bug #167801

Speech recognition fails on young child voices.

Woman: Hmm.

The view enlarges to show a man sitting at another desk.

Woman: Hey, can you do me without a condom? We need a young child for something.

Man: Okay.

A pregnancy test is displayed. The label shows one line, meaning not pregnant.

The woman is at the computer again.

Bug #167801

Status: Closed

Reason: Could not reproduce.

[Alt text: Can't and shouldn't.]

584: Unsatisfied

584: Unsatisfied

A blonde and a man are holding hands, looking at another woman with black hair.

((Two arrows direct the comic into a pair of different paths.))

((Left path.)) The man is holding hands with the blonde woman, but he is thinking about the woman with black hair.

((Right path.)) The man approaches the woman with black hair. He is thinking about the blonde.

((Left path.)) The man is performing oral sex on the blonde, and still thinking about the woman with black hair.

((Right path.)) The man and the black-haired woman have sex on the arm of a chair. The man is thinking about the blonde.

((Left path.)) The man and the woman are drawing something together, and the man is thinking about the woman with black hair.

((Right path.)) The man and woman are hiking together. The man is thinking about the blonde woman.

((Left path.)) The man and the woman are holding hands, and the man is thinking of the woman with black hair.

((Right path.)) The man and the woman are holding hands, and the man is thinking of the blonde woman.

((The path unites again.)) Two gravestones are next to each other. One of them is thinking about a third gravestone.

[Alt text: Forever comparing, never evaluating on any external scale. If you were a sort function, you'd never break the nlogn barrier.]

585: Outreach

585: Outreach

A group of scientists with goggles and labcoats stand around a pair of beakers.

Scientist: The tracking tag will record the shark's movement and habits.

The capsule floats upward.

Scientist: Then, it will pop free and float to the surface.

A coast is shown, with arrows directed from water to land.

Scientist: We can't afford a recovery program, so the capsules will inflate helium balloons, drift over land,

Scientist: And hopefully be found and mailed to us. Any questions?

The capsule has a caption on it.

If found please call

The scientist is standing over a groggy shark.

<<Chunk>>

The shark is dropped off a boat, into the water.

<<Sploosh>>

Shark: !!!

The course of the shark is shown, weaving around islands.

The capsule is shown sticking out of the shark.

<<Click>>

The capsule remains attached to the shark.

The balloon starts to inflate, still attached to the shark and underwater.

<<Hissss>>

As the balloon inflates, it starts to pull the shark to the surface.

Shark: ??

The balloon breaks the surface, pulling the shark with it.

A man and a child are standing together, the child eating icecream.

Two scientists run past, screaming. One is holding a microscope.

Scientists: AAAAAAAA

A shark attached to a huge balloon floats past following the scientists.

Shark: <<Chomp chomp>>

Child: Daddy?

Father: Yes?

Child: I want to be a scientist.

[Alt text: Completely implausible? Yes. Nevertheless, worth keeping a can of shark repellent next to the bed.]