Chuck Norris jokes

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  1. Chuck Noris works out 25 hours a day.
  2. God didn't make all men equal, but Samuel Colt did... then God made Chuck Norris
  3. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
  4. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
  5. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
  6. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
  7. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
  8. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
  9. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
  10. When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
  11. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
  12. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  13. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
  14. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
  15. Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
  16. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
  17. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
  18. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
  19. Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
  20. How much boner would a bonerchuck chuck if a bonerchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
  21. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
  22. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
  23. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
  24. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
  25. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  26. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  27. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
  28. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
  29. Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
  30. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
  31. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
  32. Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
  33. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
  34. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
  35. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
  36. Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
  37. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
  38. Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.
  39. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 9000.
  40. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  41. When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
  42. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
  43. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  44. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
  45. Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
  46. In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
  47. Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
  48. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
  49. Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
  50. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  51. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
  52. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  53. Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
  54. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.
  55. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
  56. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
  57. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
  58. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
  59. Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
  60. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
  61. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
  62. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
  63. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
  64. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
  65. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  66. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  67. Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendents now have white hair.
  68. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  69. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  70. Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
  71. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  72. Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
  73. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  74. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
  75. Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
  76. A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
  77. Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
  78. There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
  79. Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
  80. Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
  81. Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a field goal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
  82. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
  83. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
  84. Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
  85. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  86. Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
  87. Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
  88. The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
  89. Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
  90. Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
  91. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  92. Chuck Norris is currently suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
  93. The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  94. Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
  95. The Sherman tank was originally called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
  96. Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
  97. Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
  98. Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
  99. The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
  100. Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.
  101. Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
  102. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
  103. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
  104. It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
  105. Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
  106. Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  107. Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
  108. Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
  109. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
  110. Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
  111. The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
  112. Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
  113. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
  114. Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
  115. Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
  116. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  117. Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
  118. 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
  119. Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
  120. When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
  121. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
  122. Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
  123. In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  124. Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
  125. When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris Halloween costume he was wearing.
  126. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
  127. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
  128. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
  129. If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
  130. Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
  131. Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
  132. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
  133. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
  134. What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
  135. Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and boner-grain alcohol.
  136. The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
  137. There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
  138. Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
  139. The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
  140. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
  141. The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
  142. Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
  143. Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
  144. When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
  145. On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
  146. Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
  147. Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
  148. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
  149. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and roundhouse kicked against the ground.
  150. It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
  151. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
  152. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
  153. Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
  154. That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
  155. Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
  156. Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
  157. Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
  158. Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
  159. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
  160. Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
  161. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
  162. Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
  163. Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
  164. It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
  165. Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
  166. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
  167. Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
  168. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
  169. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  170. "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
  171. Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
  172. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
  173. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  174. Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
  175. Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
  176. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
  177. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
  178. Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
  179. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
  180. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  181. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
  182. Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
  183. Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
  184. If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
  185. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
  186. Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
  187. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
  188. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  189. Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
  190. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  191. Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
  192. Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
  193. Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
  194. The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
  195. For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
  196. Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
  197. Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
  198. Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
  199. Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
  200. Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
  201. How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
  202. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
  203. The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
  204. When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
  205. If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.
  206. Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
  207. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
  208. Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
  209. The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
  210. Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".
  211. The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
  212. Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
  213. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  214. He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
  215. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
  216. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
  217. Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
  218. Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.
  219. Chuck Norris can taste lies.
  220. Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
  221. One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
  222. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
  223. In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
  224. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
  225. They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
  226. Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
  227. Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
  228. 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
  229. Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
  230. The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  231. Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
  232. With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
  233. The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
  234. chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
  235. To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
  236. Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
  237. There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
  238. Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
  239. If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
  240. 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.
  241. Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  242. The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
  243. Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plyboner as toilet paper.
  244. Chuck Norris was able to find and read comic #404
  245. Chuck Norris is his own operating system. He needs no security patches. He finds vulnerabilities in others. He files no bug reports.
  246. Chuck Norris doesn't need to sudo to make you to make a sandwich for him.
  247. Chuck Norris stole Randal Munroe's ability to draw. That's why most of xkcd is stick figures.
  248. Chuck Norris changed the blogocube to a blogosphere.
  249. Chuck Norris can use his fist as his SSH key. His foot is his GPG key.
  250. Don't bother trying to fix a segmentation fault.
  251. Chuck Norris won the Mobius Battle.
  252. Chuck Norris is an insane build environment.
  253. Chuck Norris can bend light. With his bare hands.
  254. God said "Let there be life." and Chuck Norris said "Say please."
  255. In war, Chuck Norris doesn't wear armor, the armor wears him for protection. And he always survives
  256. Chuck Norris doesn't read, he just stares the book down untill it tells him what he wants.
  257. Hey, did you know Chuck Norris has been dead for three years? Death is just afraid to tell him.
  258. Chuck Norris will live forever because, lets face it, Heaven doesn't want him, and Hell is afraid he'll take over.
  259. There is no chin under Chuck Norris's beard, only another fist
  260. What there was before the Big Bang? R: Chuck Norris
  261. Chuck Norris is the only known man that can kill himself and still survive
  262. The only person who can surf through all youtube viral video without getting Rick Roll'd is Chuck Norris
  263. Only Chuck Norris can be more invisible than the Predator.
  264. Chuck Norris doesn't wear sun-screen. The sun wears Chuck-screen.
  265. Death once had a "Near Chuck Norris Experience."
  266. Two thinks are certain in life. The fact that one day Chuck Norris will kill you and taxes.
  267. Chuck Norris does not watch movies, they show themselves to him.
  268. Chuck Norris can fly, he just doesn't want to because he can't roundhouse kick people.